


The Filthy Half-Blood Spy

by Glowstar826



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Binge Drinking, Blood, Blood Loss, Blood and Gore, Blood and Injury, Blood and Torture, Blood and Violence, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Cross-Posted on Wattpad, Cruciatus Curse (Harry Potter), Cruelty, Cutting, Death Eaters, Depressed Severus Snape, Drinking, Drinking to Cope, Excessive Drinking, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Gen, Good Albus Dumbledore, Good Gryffindors, Good Remus Lupin, Good Severus Snape, Good Slytherins, Heavy Drinking, Hurt Severus Snape, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Torture, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Friendship, Mentioned Peter Pettigrew, Mild Language, Mild Sirius Black Bashing, No Bashing, No Slash, No Smut, POV Remus Lupin, POV Severus Snape, Past Torture, Peter Pettigrew Bashing, Peter is a Little Shit, Potions, Protective Remus Lupin, Read, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter Friendship, Remus Lupin & Severus Snape Friendship, Remus Lupin Angst, Remus Lupin is a Good Friend, Second War with Voldemort, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Loathing, Self-Loathing Severus Snape, Severus Snape Angst, Severus Snape Has a Heart, Severus Snape Needs a Hug, Severus Snape-centric, Sirius Black Bashing, Spy Severus Snape, Spying, Suicidal Severus Snape, Suicidal Thoughts, Torture, Violence, War, Werewolf, Werewolf Remus Lupin, Wounded Severus Snape, angsty, wound
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-25
Updated: 2020-06-25
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:13:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24375598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Glowstar826/pseuds/Glowstar826
Summary: After Snape arrives at Number 12 Grimmauld Place from a Death Eater meeting with a ghastly injury on his arm, Remus makes it his personal mission to find out exactly what the feared Potions Master actually has to endure. NO SLASH.
Relationships: Remus Lupin & Severus Snape
Comments: 24
Kudos: 247





	1. The Gash

Albus Dumbledore took his seat at the table with the rest of the Order of the Phoenix as they awaited the arrival of a certain Potions Master. It was mid-November, and he had called a meeting just a week prior.

"Where's old Snivellus gone now? Has the snake now finally shown his true colors?" Sirius Black commented as he sipped on some tea.

Dumbledore was quick to admonish the current fugitive. "His name is _Severus_ , Sirius. Surely, you've put the past behind you?"

"Not quite," Sirius retorted. "He's still a greasy old git if you ask me."

A new voice joined the conversation. "Sirius! May I remind you that two years ago, I thought _you_ were the one who gave Lily and James away to You-Know-Who? If it hadn't been for Harry discovering Wormtail on the map, I'd have _gladly_ handed you over to the dementors." Remus Lupin had a stern look on his face.

No one noticed when a thin, sallow figure walked slowly into the room. When he took his seat, none of them realized his presence until Dumbledore greeted him.

"Severus! How good of you to join us! Are there any new reports?" Before Severus could answer, Sirius cut in.

"Why're you late, Snivellus? You sure you're not drifting to the dark side?" Sirius sniggered. This comment earned some well-deserved glares from the rest of the Order.

"Sirius, stop acting like a child. And his _name_ is Severus," Remus scolded warningly.

"It's fine, Lupin. If the mutt wants to act like a child, so be it. It's none of my concern," Severus sneered.

Sirius growled under his breath.

Severus continued. "There are no new reports as of yet. The Dark Lord still won't let me get close enough to him to get a glimpse of his plans. He mentioned how he wanted to execute an attack on a Muggle village near Brighton, but no details were provided." Severus's breathing was noticeably shallow, so it took him a little bit of an effort to relay the message to the Order. Arthur Weasley quickly picked up on that.

"Severus? Is there something wrong?"

"No, Arthur," Severus calmly countered. He didn't want to be the center of attention and pity. He could take care of himself perfectly. It was nothing he couldn't fix, in his opinion.

"But you're shaking," Arthur argued.

"I _said_ , nothing's wrong," Severus reiterated, this time slightly firmer. He rose from his seat. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll be on my way."

Molly Weasley overheard this. "Severus, do stay for dinner. We were just about to eat."

"I'll be fine, Molly." Severus started to walk out of the room.

"What's that you're hiding?" Mad-Eye Moody asked, who noticed Severus subtly placing his hands behind his back.

"I'm not hiding anything," Severus replied, still calm.

"Show your hands, then! There's no reason why you should be hiding them."

"And _why_ , pray tell, are _you_ suddenly interested in the state of my hands, Moody? I'm genuinely curious," Severus sneered. He tried to smirk, but instead it turned into a wince of pain. He inhaled sharply through his nose.

"Now I _know_ there's something wrong. Show me your hands, Severus," Arthur told him.

"And why would I do _that_? I don't need your pity." Severus proceeded to start walking out of the room before Remus grabbed his wrist.

"ARGH!" Severus yelled in pain. He whipped around to face Remus, who had hastily let go of him. "When will you lot stop overstepping your boundaries?" he asked the entire room, his voice filled with pure frustration and anger. "I _said_ nothing is wrong, so you don't need to pry until _you_ get an answer which satisfies you!" Severus left, his robes billowing behind him as they always did.

Remus remained there, his mouth hanging open slightly. After a few moments of silence, he finally spoke. "His hand. His hand—"

"What about his hand, Remus?" Dumbledore calmly asked.

In response, Remus slowly held up his own hand, stained with Severus's blood.

**XXXXX**

Severus walked out of Number 12 Grimmauld Place, feeling wobbly with every progressing step, and he found himself in the midst of a rain storm.

"Great," Severus muttered. He turned on the spot, and he found himself at the Hogwarts gates. There was no use returning to Spinner's End unless it was summertime. Besides, he didn't want anything to do with that wretched house unless absolutely necessary. There were too many bad memories associated with it.

He started walking towards the great castle. This was the moment that the weather decided to be extra mean to Severus. It started raining cats and dogs on him. There was also lightning in the distance.

By the time Severus made it inside, he was soaked right to the bone. He hurried to his living quarters and went to his potions cabinet. He stripped down to his undershirt and slowly unwrapped the makeshift bandage he had tied around his right arm. It's a wonder what you can do with something as simple as a set of robes.

_"Ssseverussss, this is the sssssecond time you are late."_

_Voldemort was in a terrible mood. Lucius had failed to bring any Muggles to torture tonight, so he decided that he'd torture the person who came in next. Unfortunately, that person happened to be his spy, Severus Snape (or fortunately, since he was a half-blood)._

_"My Lord, I was in the middle of a lesson. If I left, Dumbledore would have become suspicious."_

_"Silence! I have lisssstened to your excuses. When I ssssummon you, you mussssst come right away."_

_"It will not happen again, my Lord."_

_"Oh, I will make sure of it, dear Ssssseverussss." Voldemort pointed his wand at Severus. "Crucio."_

_Severus dropped to the ground and started writhing in pain. He fought his urges to scream so as to not appear weak in front of the Dark Lord. Then, after two minutes, he ended the torture. Voldemort decided that this wasn't enough. He needed to make sure this stuck with his servant._

_"Bella, will you do the honors? Dear Ssssseverusss needs to understand. Make it permanent."_

_Bellatrix cackled a cacophony of horrid, evil laughter. "I'll have fun with you, dear Sevvie!" She took out her dagger and pulled Severus's right arm sleeve. Then, she cut a gash near his wrist._

_Again, Severus fought the urge to scream, but a groan escaped his mouth._

_"You are resilient, my dear Sssseverusss." He turned his attention to Bellatrix. "I fear you're not doing enough, Bella. He needs to understand."_

_Bellatrix cut a long gash the length of his arm. Again, Severus let out a groan. With the third gash, Severus let out a scream of anguish._

_After a few more minutes of this torture, Voldemort held up his hand. "I think that is enough, Bella. Ssssseverussss, I hope you don't make the same mistake again."_

_"I won't, my Lord," Severus managed to croak out._

It was a wonder that Severus managed to not pass out during the time between his torture and now, which was about two to three hours. The gashes that Bellatrix created made him bleed profusely.

Severus took a vial of Blood Replenishing Potion and a vial of Healing Potion out of his potions cabinet. He downed each of them in a gulp. After that, he took some proper bandages and wrapped them around his arm securely.

Once that was done, he changed into his nightclothes. Then, he pulled out his wand and pointed it at his bloody robes and shirt.

" _Scourgify_!" he said with a flick, and his clothes were as clean as when he first got them. He cast a drying charm, and he walked over to his cabinet and pulled out a glass and a bottle of firewhiskey. Then, he settled into his armchair by the fire.

 _Why?_ he thought. _I'm constantly risking my life, and for what? A boy who isn't even_ mine _?!_ Severus quickly shook his head.

"No. It's not just any child. It's Lily's child," Severus self-admonished.

Instead of pouring some of the firewhiskey into the glass like he initially planned, he put the glass down and drank straight from the bottle. The fiery sensation the unique magical spirit brought him was settling. It hurt his throat, but he relished the pain. The pain he couldn't ever live without. He loathed himself to such a degree that he kept on wondering why he hadn't _Avada Kedavra_ 'd himself into oblivion yet.

"For the child," Severus kept on repeating to himself on these occasions. "For Lily."

But, still, that wasn't enough. Once Lily had died, Severus had wanted to die, too. He had wanted to end it all. But Dumbledore had somehow convinced him not to do it. He convinced him that dying wouldn't help anybody. That man had an infuriating way of convincing anyone he was right. Maybe wizards had the same suicidal problems as the Muggles did. _At least_ , Severus thought, _they address the issue_. Merlin knew that they were more helpful in these situations than witches and wizards could ever be. And they were more efficient at keeping Voldemort-like dictators at bay, too.

The last time the Muggles had a major world war was fifty years ago. They had defeated Adolf Hitler, a power-hungry Muggle who thought Jewish people were inferior to everyone else. It was similar to how Voldemort thought Muggles were inferior to all the pureblooded witches and wizards. Severus remembered learning about World War II in his Muggle primary school. He didn't think much of it. All he remembered was that he greatly disliked Hitler and his viewpoints. Severus mentally kicked himself in the arse. _If I didn't like Hitler's viewpoints, then why the bloody hell did I become a Death Eater? Just to impress Lily? Well, look where that took you_.

Severus took another swig of the firewhiskey, and he downed more than he did in his first gulp. It was satisfying to feel this pain on top of more pain. He didn't deserve any love, in his opinion, nor did he want it. His eyes burned, threatening to flood his sallow face with the pain and anguish he so rightfully deserved. But no. He _wouldn't_ cry. He wouldn't allow himself this one comfort, this one reprieve, for he, Severus Snape, didn't deserve it. He set the bottle of firewhiskey on the side table by his armchair, sauntered over to his bedroom, and drank a vial of Dreamless Sleep. Maybe Severus abused his ability as a Potions Master. No one would care, anyways, right? He wasn't in any mood to care whether a vial of Dreamless Sleep was an overreaction.

He got in bed and let himself be alone with his thoughts. It was just him against this sorry excuse of a world, wasn't it? Dumbledore may have helped him, but he was emotionally manipulated into joining the side of the light by him. When he thought about it deeply enough, even _Lily_ possessed some flaws that he didn't normally think about. When he was a child, she knew he was poor, didn't she? She knew that he was abused. Right? No, she didn't know about the abuse. Not really. If she saw the scars that Severus had acquired over the years, maybe she would've tried to help him more. But he knew, deep down, that only _he_ was to blame for bringing all this sorrow upon himself. He was the one who called her a Mudblood. He was the one who associated himself with Death Eaters. He was the one who was stupid beyond reason.

Maybe Lily was right for cutting him off. For calling him "Snivellus" in response to that filthy word he uttered without thinking. For suggesting he should wash his pants. For taking James's side. _No_ , Severus thought. That would be going too far. James had his fair share of flaws that Severus was in no way closer to condoning. Thinking about these thoughts made Severus loathe himself even more because he knew he deserved all of it in the end. It was _his_ fault that Lily was dead, _his_ fault that Lily cut him off, all his _bloody_ fault that nothing was how it was supposed to be.

Severus realized that he should really go to sleep. He had another Death Eater meeting in a couple of days, so it was best to try and recover from the injuries he had sustained tonight. He cleared all his thoughts from his mind, and he put up his Occlumency shields. Then, he drifted into a dreamless, comfortless slumber.


	2. Questioning Severus

"Severus! Glad you could come. Lemon drop?"

"No, thank you, Albus. Why is it that you wanted to see me?"

Earlier that morning, Severus had been summoned to Dumbledore's office. Apparently, it was quite urgent. Severus took a set in front of the headmaster's desk.

"It's concerning last night, you see."

At this, Severus perked up. _Was the info I gave him too insufficient? Or was it about...no, it can't be._ It couldn't be about him snapping at Lupin. He had every right to do it.

"Yes? What about it?" Severus slowly, and deliberately, asked.

"After you left, Remus remained standing there for a few moments."

Severus's stomach twisted in knots in anticipation. So it _was_ about the incident between him and Lupin.

Dumbledore could see the concern on Severus's face. "Oh, you're not in trouble, my boy. I'm just...concerned."

"What happened after I left?" Severus asked, slower this time.

"Remus held up his bloodied hand. The same hand which grabbed your arm. It was presumably _your_ blood, am I right?"

Severus sighed. There was no use trying to hide a simple fact from the one person who saved him from going to Azkaban fourteen years ago.

"Yes. I was tortured last night. That is why I was late," Severus replied matter-of-factly, sounding indifferent to his own suffering.

Dumbledore frowned. "Why didn't you say anything, Severus?"

"And receive pity from people who barely trust me?" Severus retorted.

"They trust you, Severus. Believe me."

"It's only because of you they have even a _grain_ of faith in my loyalties. But they don't _really_ trust me. Especially not Black."

Dumbledore quickly redirected the conversation to its intended route. "Tell me what happened."

"It's none of your concern, Albus. There's no need to worry."

"I wasn't _asking_ , Severus," Dumbledore replied sternly.

Severus sighed. There was no use arguing against the man. He'd make him promise not to tell later.

"Voldemort had no one to torture last night, so I was tortured instead. He performed the Cruciatus curse on me for two minutes, and then Bellatrix was ordered to physically torture me with her dagger. Of course, she happily agreed." Again, Severus seemed indifferent to the whole matter. It was as if he had viewed it from afar and never really experienced it.

"This is not good, my dear boy. You must be more careful. Show me the wound."

Severus pulled his right sleeve up as cautiously as he could, or else he'd have to stuff another groan of anguish that was sure to escape his mouth if he as much as brushed a hand against the gashes. Then, he slowly unwrapped the bandages. He needed to replace them anyway.

Dumbledore's eyes widened. He spoke softly as he saw the blood-stained bandages and the severity of the wounds. "It was _that_ bad? How many knife wounds did Bellatrix inflict?"

"Five, I believe. Maybe six. I couldn't tell."

"Oh, Merlin."

"You will _not_ tell the rest of the Order. They don't need more reason to view me as a weakling." Severus bit.

"I don't think they _would_ view you as weak, my boy. It's highly unlikely. But, if you wish, I won't tell them."

"Thank you, Albus. I believe I should get going." Severus stood. "Enjoy the rest of your day," he said nonchalantly. Severus turned on his heel and started walking towards the door when Dumbledore's voice stopped him.

"You know, it isn't always wise to bottle up your emotions inside. Let them out from time to time. Merlin knows you'll feel better because of it."

Severus turned around and stared at Dumbledore for a few seconds, processing what he just told him. He acknowledged Dumbledore's words with a curt nod, and he left.

**XXXXX**

Remus paced back and forth in his cottage. He was shocked when he felt the blood seeping from Severus's arm last night. What _was_ it that he did at those Death Eater meetings? And exactly how _much_ was the Potions Master really hiding? After Remus had shown the rest of the Order his bloodied hand, there was a hush that befell the room. Almost everyone was at a loss for words.

" _He's hiding something," Moody said, breaking the silence. "And I'm going to find out exactly what that is."_

" _Now, now," Remus replied. "It's obvious that he was hurt in some way and didn't want any of us to find out."_

" _Or he really_ is _on the dark side," Sirius rebutted._

" _You go wash your hands, Remus. I'll ask Severus about it tomorrow," Dumbledore cut in, not wanting an argument to take place. Remus listened to him and left the room. After washing his hands, he returned to the dining room to find Sirius sitting there, eyes filled with contempt._

" _Sirius, why must you dwell on old grudges?" Remus asked Sirius, initiating the conversation._

" _Why_ else _do you think Snape's hand was bloody? He did something!" Sirius said again, sounding genuinely concerned, not about Severus, but about his loyalties and where they lie._

" _Sirius. Severus has time and time again proven that he's on the side of the light. He's protected Harry too many times to count! Why do_ you _think he yelled?"_

" _I know better, Moony." Sirius crossed his arms and leaned back in his chair. "I'm telling you, I don't trust him. After years of being a Death Eater, he suddenly switches sides? It's unnatural."_

" _That man you're speaking of took the time to brew_ me _the Wolfsbane potion while I taught at Hogwarts."_

" _He also outed you as a werewolf and forced you to resign at the end of year," Sirius bit back._

" _He also protected Harry and saved him from danger countless times!" Remus shouted._

 _There was a long pause. Sirius stood up. "You're now_ defending _him? You're_ defending _the greasy git?" Sirius asked, bewildered._

" _No, I'm not. All I'm saying is that you're blinded. You're stuck in the past, Padfoot. Severus Snape isn't the same man you knew back when we were in school. He's changed." Remus sighed. "You and Harry both are blinded by your anger."_

"Don't _bring Harry into this!" Sirius retorted. "And it's not_ my _fault that twelve years of my life were wasted in Azkaban," Sirius added in response to Remus's statement about being stuck in the past._

" _No one said it was," Remus replied calmly. "We know that it's Pettigrew's fault. But do try to see past your anger. I don't even know why you and James picked on Severus in the first place. That was something I regrettably let happen, and I hope to not make the same mistake again. Tell me, why are you so intent on believing in Severus's infidelity to our cause?"_

" _Because he was, and still is, a nasty, greasy, poor old git. He deserved what he got."_

_Remus declined to mention that Severus, in fact, was much richer than either of them, being the last remaining member of the noble Prince line. Instead, Remus argued once more on his first point about the bullying._

" _He deserved to be flipped upside down? To be humiliated? He deserved to have his knickers be viewed by a crowd?"_

" _Oh, so it's about_ that _, is it? Don't bring_ that _up! We were just kids!" Sirius argued._

_Remus's eyes became downcast. "I should've stopped you when I had the chance, you know. I even had the power. I should've kept you in line, but I didn't." He sighed and looked directly at Sirius. "I regret that now. I should've stopped you two when I had the chance. But I was so scared of losing my only friends that I decided to let you two pick on him." Remus ran a hand through his hair. "I have to get going, now. Goodnight, Sirius."_

Remus pulled himself out of his thoughts. He sighed. He decided that he needed to figure out exactly what happened in those Death Eater meetings to see exactly what Severus went through each time he was there. Of course, he couldn't possibly find out the locations of these meetings without Severus finding out. So, he'd have to use Veritaserum. But how would he get it? He couldn't possibly break into Severus's supply. He knew someone who could, but he'd never use Harry for a self-serving purpose. That would be a despicable act. No, he'd have to get the Veritaserum some other way.

Remus headed to his small, shabby-looking kitchen. After he resigned from his position as the DADA professor, he was reverted back to living in poverty. He managed to work at a few odd jobs, but he had to leave once other employees became suspicious about his lycanthropy. He couldn't hold down a job for more than a month at best.

He fixed himself some oatmeal and pondered over some of his life choices. Most of them were good. He joined the Order of the Phoenix during the First Wizarding War. He taught Harry to perform the Patronus charm. He helped Neville overcome his fear of the man in question (Severus). But he made some inexcusable choices as well. For one thing, he _didn't_ stop his friends from picking on the Potions Master. And for what? Because he didn't want to lose them? Because he didn't want to be rejected? _What a coward_ you _were,_ Remus thought to himself. And what's worse is that before he became a Marauder, _he_ was in Severus's position. He was shunned for being different. He was just lucky enough to be surrounded by people who saw through that.

When thinking about all of this, Remus realized that maybe using Veritaserum was an unethical way of getting answers to your own curiosities. Maybe Severus immensely guarded himself for a reason. He decided that instead of being discreet with Veritaserum, he'd talk to Severus directly once the school day was over. From his one year of teaching at Hogwarts, he knew how to Floo Snape's office.

**XXXXX**

Severus was relieved that he had a valid reason to cancel Potter's Occlumency lessons for tonight. There was no use teaching him, anyways. Potter's head was filled with too many strong emotions.

"Severus!"

Severus jumped a little. "Who's there?"

"It's me. Remus. In the fire."

Severus stood up slowly and turned around cautiously. "And what brings you _here_ , Lupin?" the Potions Master sneered. He walked closer to the fire, which was now green.

"Can I come in?" Lupin asked.

"Absolutely not. Why have you popped your head in _my_ fireplace? What do you want?" Severus asked sternly.

"I just wanted to talk," Lupin replied.

"And why should I let you in? Last time I checked, you weren't exactly _welcome_ here."

"Please, Severus. It will only take ten minutes."

"You still haven't answered my first question. Why are you here?" Severus was starting to get annoyed.

"I have some questions about, well, what happened last night."

"Oh, so it's about _that_ is it? Well, I'm not in the mood, so if you would kindly take your head out of my fireplace, that would be greatly appreciated. I don't know why you even thought for a sliver of a second that I'd let you in."

"I'm genuinely concerned."

" _You_? 'Genuinely concerned'?" Severus scoffed. "No one is 'genuinely concerned' about me. Now leave before I make you."

"You shouldn't have to—"

"Lupin, this is your last warning. Leave. Now." This time, Severus's tone was dangerous.

"I just want to know if you're all right. Isn't a man allowed to check in on a fellow Order member?"

"All right?" Severus laughed bitterly. "All _right_? When will you get it through your thick skull that I'll _never_ be all right? Get out, Lupin. And don't show yourself in my fireplace again." Lupin's head promptly disappeared from the fire, and it turned into a regular orange again. As soon as the wolf left, Severus started to place wards on the fireplace to prevent Lupin from entering.

Once he was finished, Severus pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. Of _course_ the werewolf had to play the worrywart. Couldn't he, for once, display indifference and leave him alone?

 _What would_ you _have done, Severus, if Lupin came back from a Death Eater meeting all bloody?_ a voice asked in his head. That was a good enough question. What _would_ he do? His conscience would have prodded him in the direction of helping Lupin, but would he have even cared? Yes, Severus concluded. He wouldn't just leave someone bleeding, not even Lupin, to die. But would he try to prod the circumstances of _how_ the injury came to be out of Lupin? He'd do it for clinical reasons, yes, but would he out of concern? Probably not. Lupin was a Marauder, after all. Why would Severus be concerned about a former school bully? He'd probably be concerned about Albus or Minerva. Maybe even Filius. But he certainly wouldn't waste any of his concern on a bloody Marauder.

 _But Lupin didn't bully you, Severus_ , the voice said again.

 _I bloody well_ know _that the wolf didn't have a backbone!_ Severus snapped back to his brain. _Don't need to reiterate_ that _, thank you_.

Severus sighed. It was time to change the bandages. He trudged his way to the potions cabinet and pulled out his supply of wrap-around bandages. He peeled off the ones on his arm, _Scourgify_ 'd the wound, and wrapped a new set of bandages on it. Then, he took out his half-drunk bottle of firewhiskey, intending to finish it off. As he was walking away, he paused. Then, he turned around and got a second bottle, intending to finish that one off, too.

Like last night, he sat by the fire in his armchair. He set the unopened bottle on the floor next to him and opened the half-finished bottle. Unlike last night, though, he started chugging the firewhiskey before his evil little thoughts could make him loathe himself even more.

It's not like anyone would actually _care_ if he had a hangover the next morning, right?

**XXXXX**

Remus took his head out of the fireplace and sighed. He never heard Severus laugh so bitterly in his life. The Potions Master seemed to be hurting inside, as if he channeled all of his sorrow into that one laugh. He thought of what Severus said: " _When will you get it through your thick skull that I'll_ never _be all right?_ " What was that supposed to mean? Surely, James and Sirius's treatment of Severus didn't affect him _that_ much, did it? They were just harmless hexes thrown at him. And it's not like he didn't fight back. For crying out loud, he cast one of his own (literally) bloody curses at James and made him bleed.

 _But Severus only retaliated_ , his inner thoughts told him. _James was the one who provoked him._

Remus ran a hand through his hair and sighed again. That man was a complicated one, indeed. So secretive, so guarded. Remus wondered exactly what made Severus this way. Did he have a bad home situation? Or maybe it was something else? Sometimes, he wished that he could go back in time and rectify the situation. Maybe if he had admonished his friends enough, they would've stopped. Dumbledore even made him a prefect in the hope that he could control his friends. But he failed miserably.

The werewolf mentally kicked himself. It was bad enough he appeared to condone his friends' terrible actions towards Severus, but he failed to stop them even when he was given a position of power. He let them ridicule, humiliate, and possibly harm a boy just because he was a Slytherin and 'a wannabe Death Eater,' in James's words. If James and Sirius were so afraid of Severus being a potential Death Eater, why were they so adamant in making his life so miserable?

Not everyone who joined Voldemort was a pureblood supremacist. Granted, most of them were, but there were some who just felt like they didn't belong in society. Voldemort would see that misfortune and use that weakness as an advantage to add one more to his ranks. He'd claim that, by joining him, they would be powerful. They would also be, more importantly, recognized for their true talents. But of course, all of that was a lie. Lord Voldemort just wanted to add more supporters to his ranks so that he'd be able to overpower the Wizarding World. His supporters weren't people. They were pawns on a chess board. They were expendable. Voldemort wouldn't even have a problem killing off his right-hand man (or woman, in this case). Maybe this was the case for Severus.

As he was thinking of how he could pry the reason why Severus came back all bloody, he heard someone calling from his fireplace.

"Remus! Would you care to come into my office?"

Remus turned around and jumped a little at Dumbledore's presence.

"Good evening, Headmaster. Of course I'll come to your office."

"Good, good."

With that said, Remus stepped into the fire.


	3. Filthy Half-Blood

"Headmaster—"

"Please, call me Albus."

Remus nodded. "Albus," he corrected. "Why is it that you wanted to see me?"

"It has something to do with Severus. Now, I won't tell you what happened to him, but I think you should go and find out for yourself."

"You mean, you know?" Remus asked, walking over to the chair in front of Dumbledore's desk.

The headmaster nodded gravely. "Unfortunately, yes."

"But you see, Albus," Remus said, "I've already tried."

"Oh?"

"I Flooed his office, and he kicked me out. His response was very concerning."

"I see." Dumbledore paused, sporting a deep, thoughtful frown. "Remus, I fear he may be hiding something, and I want you to find out what that is."

"But why?" Remus asked, nonplussed.

"Because," Dumbledore said, "Voldemort may be doing harmful things to him at those meetings, and he shouldn't suffer alone. I'm genuinely worried. This wasn't the first time he came to an Order meeting late."

For the first time, Remus saw tears prickling at the headmaster's eyes, and he realized that Dumbledore genuinely cared about Severus. He probably regretted having to put the Potions Master through so much danger.

The werewolf leaned forward and asked, "But why me? Why not Minerva, or even Molly?"

"Because you have suffered, unlike them. You know what it is like to suffer alone, without anybody knowing or caring. You'd be able to get through to him better than any of us ever could."

Remus placed a hand on Dumbledore's shoulder. "Then I will," he said, nodding. He got up and started to go back to the fire when Dumbledore stopped him.

"Yes?" Remus turned around.

"Come back here again tomorrow. Severus might have placed wards on his fireplace to prevent you from entering, so you should come through here."

"Right. I will. Goodnight, Albus."

"Goodnight, Remus, and good luck." Dumbledore smiled.

**XXXXX**

Severus heard a loud, firm knock on his office door. He jumped up, thinking that Potter couldn't have _possibly_ come back just a few minutes after leaving.

He walked up to the door and opened it. His eyes instantly narrowed.

"Lupin, _what_ are you doing?"

The wolf held up his hands. "I'm here on Albus's orders. Please let me in."

"And how do I know you're not using this as an excuse to find out about what happened?"

"Albus is concerned, too," Lupin replied softly. "He asked me to come see you because he's worried."

Rolling his eyes, Severus started shutting the door when the werewolf held it open.

" _Let_ me come in," Lupin said, uncharacteristically firm.

Feeling surprised at the wolf's firm tone, Severus did just that.

"Shut the door behind you," Severus commanded, and Lupin obeyed. Once the door was closed, the spy looked Lupin directly in his eyes. "What did Albus tell you?"

"Nothing. He told me nothing."

Severus nodded, getting the odd feeling that he was telling the truth.

"Severus, I know what it is like to suffer."

"Oh, _really_?" Severus retorted bitterly. "If _that's_ the case, why didn't you stop Potter and Black from _humiliating_ me? Hmm? If you knew what it was like, you shouldn't have tolerated their bullying."

"I know," Lupin agreed. "And I regret it."

" _How_ do I know those aren't just empty words?" Severus asked silkily.

"Because I reprimanded _and_ chastised Sirius for making light of your job! I really _do_ regret it!"

The pair walked nearer to the fireplace. "Reprimanded Black, hmm?" Severus asked. "So, you've finally grown a backbone? Congratulations."

"You don't need to be difficult, Severus. Sirius hasn't had the chance to mature, yet."

"Oh, now you're defending the dog as soon as you're insulted. Typical."

"Severus! Just let me help you!"

Severus rounded on Lupin so fast that the wolf nearly fell over. "I don't _need_ any help," the spy said through gritted teeth.

Lupin crossed his arms. "It's very, very clear that you do."

Severus face-palmed himself. "What is it going to take for you to leave, wolf? What? You'll go blabbing to the Order as soon as I tell you, and then I'll be the laughingstock of the century. _Just like I was nineteen years ago_ ," the Potions Master ended dangerously.

Lupin sighed and rubbed his temples. "You know, Severus, I didn't _just_ chastise Sirius. I _defended_ you to him. I _told_ him about how you protected his godson too many times to count. I even reprimanded _Harry_. I told him he was blind with hate. I've also defended you to the rest of the Order at least once. Alastor, Tonks, Kingsley, and even Arthur when he was expressing his doubts. Don't make all my defense of you be for nothing. Please."

Severus scrutinized the wolf, his expression remaining impassive. Who knew that Dumbledore wasn't the only one who defended him? He was tempted to dismiss Lupin as an excuse-maker, but there seemed to be some merit to his words. He remembered that Lily constantly defended him to her friends when she had no good reason to. Lupin had no good reason to, either. Going back and forth from Order meetings to Death Eater meetings and risking torture isn't anything to defend, really. Nobody else was getting hurt but him.

"Why do you even _care_ , Lupin? Whatever I come back from the Death Eater meetings with is just a part of my role. Nothing more, nothing less. I protect Potter because I must. There's nothing to defend. If people have doubts, let them." He turned back to face the fire. "It's not like anyone cares about _me_. They just care about my _loyalties_. Not me. _Loyalties_. It's most likely the same with _you_ , isn't it, wolf?" He whipped back around again. He paused, waiting for an answer. When none came, Severus became agitated. "ISN'T IT?!" he snapped.

**XXXXX**

Remus staggered back. He didn't realize just _how much_ this one man was suffering. He probably thought that those awful meetings were nothing more than a splinter on the thumb, something to hastily pull out and quickly forget. This was more terrible than he thought. He thought that no one cared about him. Just how alone _was_ he?

Slowly, but carefully, he approached Severus. He took a deep breath, exhaled, and continued to try and pry the answer out of him.

"Surely, you don't _really_ think this?"

"No. I was just making up some story to get you to feel sorry for me," Severus bit back sarcastically. He laughed bitterly, saying, "Of _course_ they're only concerned about my loyalties! Why would they be concerned about _me_? The last time someone was concerned, I ended up calling them a filthy word which ended our friendship." Severus crossed his arms.

That's when Remus felt immensely sick inside. If only he had stopped James that day, everything could have been different. If he stopped the other Marauders from the beginning, Severus might've not been where he currently was, suffering and paying for his mistakes. It was despicable, what James and Sirius did in fifth year. And Pettigrew had cheered them on. The rat wasn't even a _real_ Marauder by Remus's standards. He hardly did anything other than fawn over James, be in awe over Sirius, or a combination of both. He never really had any talent to bring to the table. James's arrogance was _definitely_ fueled by Pettigrew, and the rat was a total _follower_. Remus wasn't surprised that Pettigrew turned his back on them when they never even tried to include him. James and Sirius's ignorance had fueled Pettigrew's cowardice. If James and Sirius hadn't started to pick on Severus as soon as they could, maybe Severus would've turned out differently.

"Look, Severus. I Flooed yesterday because I was genuinely concerned about your well-being. Really, _genuinely_ concerned. I wasn't concerned about your loyalties. Nobody starts worrying about anybody's loyalties if they find that the person's blood on their hands. I'm confident that you're on the Light side, no matter what anyone else, including Sirius, thinks. Nobody sacrifices so much for one side and then betrays it. It just doesn't make logical sense."

**XXXXX**

Severus looked at Lupin in disbelief. This wolf _really_ grew a backbone over the years, didn't he? And since when did he become so wise? It was... _touching_ , learning someone actually cared about _you_ instead of your loyalties. Sighing, Severus relented and pulled up his right sleeve. As he slowly unwrapped the bandage he saw the wolf's eyes becoming wider and wider. Then, Lupin's jaw dropped open.

"Lupin, it's only a few—"

"WHAT THE BLOODY _HELL_ DID THEY _DO_ TO YOU?!" Lupin screamed.

Now, Severus (who hated to admit so) was utterly and hopelessly confused. "What? It's a few gashes, nothing more."

Lupin, his voice shaking, managed to utter, "Look at w-what they wrote."

"Wrote?" Severus asked as he looked at his arm. Then, he shrugged his shoulders. "Ah. Bella's work. She _does_ love to make...a 'point.'" The spy wasn't at all surprised that she wrote "FILTHY HALF-BLOOD" on his arm. "It'll probably scar," he said. "The gashes she made were deep."

"Sc-scar?" Lupin asked softly.

" _Yes_. Scar. I honestly don't know how she found out about my blood status, though. Maybe the Dark Lord told her. She's very close to him." Severus turned around and walked to his cabinet. He drank some Blood-Replenishing Potion and re-bandaged his arm. Then, he pulled up his right sleeve and walked back towards Lupin.

"Now you've seen. Happy? Satisfied?"

"No," Lupin said quietly. "Not entirely."

"Wh-why?" Severus sputtered. "Didn't you come here to find out what happened to my arm? I showed you, didn't I?"

"Yes, but that was what _Albus_ asked me to do."

That's when the realization dawned on Severus. "You want to know some things for your _self_ , don't you?" he asked as he cocked his head back.

Lupin nodded. "What else do you have to endure, Severus? You literally _shrugged_ at the fact that _Bellatrix Lestrange_ , You-Know-Who's _right-hand woman_ , carved out 'FILTHY HALF-BLOOD' on your arm, and you don't seem to _care_ that it'll _remain_ there for the _rest of your life_. What else has You-Know-Who done?"

A beat. "Why do you want to know?" Severus asked, apprehensively. "I don't want you to go around telling the Order about my ordeals just so they can look at me with pity in their eyes as I pass them. I have a sense of dignity, and I'd like to keep it that way."

"Yes, but don't you get annoyed that they constantly distrust you?"

Sighing, Severus replied, "Yes, but that's not my problem. It's theirs. I'm... _pleased_ that there's at least one other person who isn't Minerva, Albus, Molly, or Arthur who believes in what I tell them." He nodded in Lupin's direction.

Lupin smiled. "Good. That's good."

Severus's face hardened. "But that doesn't mean we're friends."

"Why not?" Lupin pushed. "I always _did_ admire your Potions abilities when we were in school. And Lily always had good things to say about you," he recalled fondly.

Severus's face softened. "Really?"

Lupin nodded eagerly. "Even after the whole Mudblood incident, she confided in me how much she missed you as a friend. Lily told me that she regretted calling you Snivellus. She also said that she missed the young, eager boy who told her about the Wizarding World. You really introduced her to it all?"

Severus couldn't help but smile at the fact that Lily still cared, after all. He ran a hand through his hair and looked at Lupin after glancing furtively at the floor. "Yes. I suppose I did."

"After she and James got married, she wrote a letter to me saying that she wished she could have invited you, but by then, you were already a Death Eater."

Severus blinked back tears as he registered what Lupin said. "She...wanted to invite me to her wedding?"

Lupin nodded again, somberly this time. "She said that you were always her best friend. She had sincerely hoped that there would be a chance to rekindle your friendship, but she died before she could do it. She told me all of this. Even James didn't know."

Severus was gobsmacked at what he was hearing. _Lily still cared, after all that happened. She still cared._

Severus blinked twice. "You wish to be... _friends_ with me? Even after all I did?" The spy was incredulous. That anybody would take an interest in _him_ at this point instead of his loyalties was truly astonishing. Unless you were talking about Albus. He trusted Severus implicitly, and Severus returned the trust in kind.

Lupin smiled widely. "You did so _many_ things, Severus. You protected Harry numerous times, and you took the time to brew me the Wolfsbane Potion. You put yourself in grave danger almost every other day, and on _top_ of that, you teach students and are the Head of Slytherin. I don't understand how or _why_ your sacrifices are constantly overlooked by the Order. I, for one, am immensely grateful for what you do. Though Albus doesn't say so, I believe that the Order is as good as lost without you. Unfortunately, I don't see anybody appreciating your efforts, and that shouldn't be the case."

Severus was genuinely (and pleasantly) surprised at Lupin's sincerity. He considered Lupin's offer of friendship seriously. He realized that it would probably be his first real friendship since his friendship with Lily. Yes, he had a friendly house rivalry with Minerva, but that simply wasn't the same.

"Well, you make a good point," Severus finally conceded. "Maybe I will accept your offer of friendship. Merlin knows how much Minerva berates me for being 'anti-social.'"

Lupin laughed. "Anti-social? That takes the cake!"

"What?" Severus asked, nonplussed.

"Muggle expression. But you said you were half-blood?"

Severus nodded. "But I refused to have anything to do with my father. He ruined the Muggle world for me."

"Ah. I see." Lupin paused. "Now please tell me, Severus. What does You-Know-Who make you do?"

Severus regarded Lupin for a moment. He knew that Lupin probably would honor his request to not go blabbing to the Order about what he had to do, but it was still slightly nerve-wracking, having to decide whether he'd confide in this werewolf the same way he'd confided in Albus so many times in the past. If what he said about scolding Black was true, then maybe he was safe telling him. With a long sigh, he looked directly at Lupin and ran a hand through his hair.

"Whenever he is displeased with me, he tortures me. He asks me to create poisons to feed innocent Muggles. He asks me to join in what they call 'fun.' I have to watch people die gruesomely. It makes me loathe myself when I know I cannot save them. He tests his followers by making them endure worse than the normal torture, such as dunking heads in dirty water, or carving horrid messages on arms." Severus paused, wondering whether he should tell Lupin the worst fact of his spying career. Realizing that he already told too much to stop, Severus decided to go through with what he was going to say next.

"He also has _me_ , specifically, perform... _favors_ for him."

Lupin turned slightly green. "Favors?"

Severus nodded somberly. "I hate it. I absolutely _hate_ it. I honestly feel like I'm betraying Lily over and over again when I do those disgusting acts. The problem is that if I don't do them, my spying status might be...compromised." The spy looked down. Severus recalled those times when he spent the night drinking, trying to forget whatever happened each time he had to do those... _favors_. He always had to take the next day off from his classes just so he could recover and nurse his hangover.

**XXXXX**

Remus was shocked at how easily Severus related these facts to him. Rage at the rest of the Order was starting to bubble inside of him. How could they distrust him when he literally _agrees_ to perform _favors_ for Lord Voldemort just so that his cover isn't blown? He felt like _screaming_ at them, " _How_ could you distrust him when he has to perform _sexual_ _favors_ just so we can _win the war?!_ " The werewolf felt deeply ashamed of the people who thought that Severus was on the side of the Dark. He couldn't believe how they thought _their_ jobs were hard when Severus had to do much, _much_ worse. Even _he_ was a spy who negotiated with the werewolves. Greyback didn't make Remus do such things. He shuddered just thinking about it.

"I'm so, so sorry, Severus," was all Remus could say.

"No need to be," Severus replied. "It's just a role I play, is it not? It shouldn't matter."

**XXXXX**

Lupin looked flabbergasted. "W-what?!" he stammered. " _Shouldn't matter?!_ I know for a _fact_ that it matters!"

"My goal is to protect Potter at _all costs_ , with _all costs_ being the two operative words. It's all part of the vow I took, Lupin. No matter what, I _must protect Potter_." Severus sighed resignedly. "Even if it means doing favors for the Dark Lord."

Lupin ran a hand through his hair and put his other on his hip and sighed. "Severus, _why?_ Just _why?_ "

"Why what?" Severus asked.

"Why don't you tell them anything? It would get them to shut up about your loyalties, wouldn't it?"

"I don't tell them anything because all they will do is try to prove how those actions justify my loyalty to the Dark in their convoluted way," Severus replied coldly. "It's no use. Black doesn't seem to understand that the Dark Lord does, in fact, torture people in the Muggle way, and Moody is constantly suspecting that my loyalty to the Light is feigned."

Lupin saw the defeated look on Severus's face. "Not if I have anything to say about it."

Severus looked up, his onyx eyes having a certain warmth about them.

Lupin held out his hand. "I mean it, Severus. Friends?"

Severus looked down at Lupin's outstretched hand. He regarded the werewolf again. Maybe it would be nice to have a friend outside the faculty. Merlin knew that Minerva would certainly be proud. With that in mind, he took Lupin's hand and shook it vigorously. He offered a small smile and replied softly, "Friends."

Unexpectedly, Lupin pulled Severus into a tight, warm embrace. Severus stiffened a little bit. It wasn't quite the same as receiving hugs from Lily, but Severus still felt the warm glow inside. _Finally_ , he thought. _Someone who actually_ cares _about me_. Severus never knew how anybody could see any good in him until now. He realized that Lupin, in fact, _did_ care about his well-being, _did_ care about his mental and physical state, and _didn't_ care about his loyalties, for he already knew that he was Dumbledore's man through and through. The tears started to flow in little bits and pieces, and after a few moments, he started sobbing.

**XXXXX**

Remus rubbed circles on Severus's back, murmuring, "It's perfectly fine to cry, Severus. It's perfectly fine." His left shoulder felt damp, but he didn't mind. He didn't realize how much pent-up emotion the spy had, but he intended to help Severus let it all out. He couldn't believe that he was actually comforting one of the coldest, most aloof men in the Order. Remus never, _ever_ saw Severus Snape in such a vulnerable state as he did now. Honestly speaking, he was a bit afraid of Severus at one point, for he knew that he was the inventor of the dreadful _Sectumsempra_ curse. Now, though, he realized that Severus was, in fact, human. He had human feelings and emotions, but the Order took everything he did for granted. It wasn't right. It simply wasn't right.

When the two men pulled away, Remus patted his new friend's shoulder and grinned, "Has anyone told you how much of a softy you are?"

"Do shut up," Severus replied, using the stern tone he normally used with his students.

Remus laughed. "But honestly speaking, how on Earth do people see you as some emotionless being?"

This time, Severus smirked. "They see what they want to see, Lupin. Simple."

Remus placed a hand on Severus's shoulder. "Well, I'm glad that I seem to have good eyesight. I must get going, but I hope to talk to you soon."

"Likewise," Severus replied. Then, he seemed to contemplate what to say next. "And...thank you."

Remus nodded in response, and he left the Potions Master's office.

**XXXXX**

Severus stood there with his arms crossed. Never did he think he would end up crying on a werewolf's shoulder, nor did he think he would have gained a new friend. He no longer felt as hollow as he usually felt inside. Chuckling to himself, he headed to his armchair and sat by the crackling fire.

He felt oddly light. Talking to Lupin about his ordeals lifted a weight from his chest somehow. It _helped_. Suddenly, he felt more confident as a member of the Order of the Phoenix, for he knew that someone actually _trusted_ him. He knew now that he could count on Lupin to be civil and kind when someone else questioned him. It felt good, knowing that he could, at least, _count_ on someone. Before, he could count on Albus and Minerva, but that was about it. Now, he had a third person he could count on.

Severus decided that it felt pretty good to have a friend his age. Hopefully, now that he and Lupin were friends, Black would cease to ridicule and doubt him.

 _Scratch that_ , he thought. He didn't need to _hope_ that Black would back off, did he? No.

He already knew.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Sorry about the long wait! I know how many of you were waiting for a new chapter. This isn't the end, never fear! One more chapter, and we'll have reached the end of this wonderful journey. Thanks again for the support on both AO3 and FFN. It means a lot.**


	4. Two Comrades

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **This is the final chapter! Enjoy!**

Severus had almost forgotten that he had a Death Eater meeting that night.

He honestly didn't remember it until he shot up from his bed at 10 p.m., clutching his left forearm in pure agony as he slapped himself awake and hurried to his closet. After Lupin had left, Severus decided to catch an early night.

Not even bothering to change out of his pajamas, he tossed on his Death Eater robes and donned his mask. Then, he dashed out of his living quarters and out of the Apparition wards just at the edge of the Forbidden Forest, and he touched his Mark.

Suddenly, Severus was inside the dining hall of Riddle Manor. It seemed that he was the only one there. He immediately dropped on his knee and kneeled in front of the Dark Lord.

"My Lord," he murmured.

"Rise, Severus," his snake-like voice beckoned. Severus stood up.

"May I inquire as to why no one else is here?" The spy hoped that it wasn't one of those random summons.

"Oh, no need to worry. You are most punctual, my loyal servant." The Dark Lord smiled. If he were human, that smile would have been endearing. Except he wasn't.

"I do hope you have had a chance to recover," the Dark Lord continued, not meaning a word of what he said.

"I have," Severus replied.

"Let me see."

Severus felt a slight knot in his stomach, knowing that the Dark Lord wouldn't like the result. Trying his best to quell the shakiness in his hands, he slowly pulled his right sleeve up and unwrapped the bandage. Instantly, the Dark Lord's eyes narrowed.

"Tell me, loyal servant. Did you tell anyone about what happened two days ago?"

"No, my Lord," Severus replied again, feigning reverence.

"Look at me." Severus strengthened his Occlumency shields and prepared for the probing of his mind that was about to take place. Unfortunately, he had to show the memory of when Lupin discovered his hand. He hid the part where he confided in Lupin, of course.

Severus felt the slimy hands rummaging through his memories as if a child were rummaging through their toy box. Then, he felt the Dark Lord exit his mind.

The Dark Lord had a dissatisfied expression on his face. "I am not pleased, Severus. You have not guarded yourself like you should have. For that, you will be punished. _Crucio_."

Again, like two nights prior, he dropped to the ground and writhed in pain. As he did so, he heard multiple cracks in the room, signaling the arrival of the other Death Eaters. Tortured _and_ humiliated. _Good one, my Lord_ , Severus thought sarcastically. The voice in his head sneered the "my Lord" bit.

Severus could faintly hear Lucius Malfoy's chuckle. The Dark Lord picked up on that. "Lucius, do not forget that you angered me in our last meeting." Lucius immediately silenced himself. Then, of course, he heard Bellatrix's sorry excuse of a laugh which was akin to nails being dragged down a chalkboard. Of course, the Dark Lord didn't silence _her_. He wouldn't be surprised if he learned one day that she was having an affair with her Lord. She certainly placed more importance on the Dark Lord than her own husband.

Severus, barely keeping his consciousness, heard snide remarks being made by Mulciber and Avery and pitious ones from Wilkes and Macnair.

"As alwaysssss, dear servant, you are resilient. Maybe we can settle the matter... _privately_." As the Dark Lord released his curse, Severus felt a lump forming in his throat. He knew he'd sick up in the bathroom later once he returned to his quarters.

**XXXXX**

As predicted, after the meeting ended, _he_ had asked Severus to remain behind. Now, at nearly five in the morning, the spy was busy trying to sick up every bit of semen _he_ forced down his throat. It was disgusting. Humiliating. Traumatizing. Merlin knew how he managed to keep his head together. Thank God _and_ Merlin that Dumbledore taught him Occlumency, else he'd be in the same fragile state as a severe rape victim. Once _he_ had returned in the summer of '95, _he_ started to force Severus to satisfy his sexual desires, and the spy had been very apprehensive at first. After a good ten minutes of the Cruciatus, Severus knew he had no choice in the matter.

He hoped that Lily wouldn't be looking down on him during these moments of vulnerability and humiliation. It would break him if she knew.

Severus had quickly tied his hair back with a hair tie as soon as he got back. He couldn't bear to even change his clothes, for if he even as much as took off his shirt to change, he'd feel the same shivery feeling he got when he felt like someone was watching him. For some reason, he felt on edge after every time he was used by _him_ in such a filthy manner.

To think _his_ reasoning for this forced intimacy was to satisfy his worries that his beloved spy wasn't a traitor. That was complete bullshit, and both of them knew it.

All _he_ wanted was a personal sex slave. _He_ told him how even Bellatrix didn't get this "honor." That was surprising, but at the same time, it wasn't. _He_ wanted to _humiliate_ Severus, knowing that if he opposed _him_ , he'd be dead before he could say, " _Avada Kedavra_!" Bellatrix wouldn't be fazed by any request like this in the slightest. In fact, she'd be more than delighted to serve _him_ , even if it meant being degraded to something less than a whore.

Once the spy felt sure he was done vomiting all of the... _liquid_...that he was forced to drink, he went to his sink and washed his mouth, and he scrubbed his tongue with his toothbrush until it became parched and dry. Then, he filled up his tub with cold water, stripped, and settled into it, still disgusted that he currently had an erection. He didn't enjoy what he had to do to maintain his position in the slightest; his body, on the other hand, didn't care. It was during these times that he constantly reminded himself that his mind and body were separate, and that he wasn't filthy. But even with those reminders, he felt all the same.

That's when he thought of Lupin—no, _Remus_. He had formed a new friendship with this man, but he didn't know if he could possibly confide in him. Even after he sobbed on his shoulder last night, it wasn't enough. He wasn't _comfortable_ with telling Remus what was essentially the story of his life: being a tool. What would he think? The werewolf already knew about the extent to which he had to prove his loyalty to _him_ , but could he _really_ give him the details? It was odd for Severus to even have this option of telling someone. He knew now that Remus wouldn't blab like he thought he would before.

Sitting in the cold bath, he knew that he'd have to wake himself up so he could watch over his classes. He couldn't possibly prevent one of the dunderheads from causing an explosion in this current state.

Then, he remembered. He let out a long groan.

**XXXXX**

Remus sat at the dining table. There was an empty chair next to him. He didn't say who it was for, but he kept his hand on it as though he were saving a seat for a friend in the Great Hall.

Friend. Who knew he'd associate the word "friend" with Severus? Well, he was glad he made the decision to talk to him last night. It seemed like Severus really needed the cry.

"Hey, Moony, who're you saving the seat for?" Sirius whispered conspiratorially from across the table.

"A friend," was all Remus replied.

Sirius had a sly grin on his face. "Are you saving it for... _Dora_?"

"Wha—no! No! What is wrong with you? I don't _like_ her."

Sirius huffed a sigh. "Yes, you do, Moony. Don't lie."

"I'm not saving this seat for Nymphadora," Remus huffed back.

"Then who?" Sirius asked, the pure curiosity starting to seep through his innocent tone.

"You'll see."

**XXXXX**

Severus all but staggered into the dining room at Number 12 Grimmauld Place. He was about to fall asleep. He had gotten absolutely no shuteye for the past day, and it was already 9 p.m. The spy looked over at the dining table and saw Remus next to an empty chair.

Remus saw him and smiled. He motioned for Severus to come and sit next to him.

As Severus tried his best to not look as if he was about to collapse, he made his way to the vacant chair and sat down. As soon as he sat down, though, he heard someone pound their fist into the table.

Startled, Severus looked up to see who had pounded their fist. He wasn't surprised when he saw it was Black.

"WHAT THE _FUCK_ IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU, REMUS?!" Black screamed.

Suddenly, everyone stopped talking and turned their attention to the dog.

"What did you say?" Remus asked quietly.

"Why have you got a fucking _Death Eater_ sitting next to you? _Why_ would you save a seat for a _greasy slimeball_?!"

"Sirius. Take that back. Now," Remus said firmly.

Black stood up. "Why?! We all know that Snivellus isn't sided with us! He's with them!"

Severus glared daggers at Black. Oh, how he wanted to scream at him and guilt-trip him and make him feel so bad that he wouldn't need to cause him any harm himself. It seemed that Remus was angrier, though, so he kept quiet.

"You don't know what he has to go through just to ensure that he's even _able_ to spy," the werewolf told Black dangerously.

"Tell me, then, since you seem to know, _Moony_ ," Black sneered. "What does he have to do, bow to him all the time like a lapdog? Embarrass himself? Suck the bastard's bollocks?" Severus clenched his fist at that, because what the mutt said was absolutely true. It was _so_ _fucking true_. He squeezed his eyes shut, unable to hold back the silent tears. He heard the tears drip onto the table.

Why was he crying like this? He wasn't supposed to cry because of a sick bastard like Sirius Black. What was he doing? _What was he doing_? He tried to will himself to stop, to stop himself from crying like a weak idiot, but he couldn't. He just couldn't. He couldn't hold back the tears that burned in his eyes.

**XXXXX**

Remus glared at the Animagus and was bewildered that his friend of so many years could even _suggest_ something so filthy. "Why? Why can't you just accept that Severus has changed? _He isn't the same man he was in 1981_."

"Who cares?" Sirius shrugged. "Who. Cares? I don't in the least. Not like anyone _else_ does, either."

Remus felt his anger boiling over him. He was shaking, just ready to explode. Unable to hold it in any longer, he pounded the table so hard that even the light fixture above shook and screamed.

" _SEVERUS SNAPE DOES MORE AND SACRIFICES MORE THAN WHAT ANY OF YOU DO COMBINED_! HE SUBJECTS HIMSELF TO _HUMILIATION_ , _TORTURE_ , AND _MENTAL PAIN_ JUST SO HE CAN STILL SPY FOR US! WHY IS IT SO _HARD_ FOR ANY OF YOU LOT TO _UNDERSTAND_?!"

Nobody noticed as Dumbledore himself entered the room. He quietly stood at the corner, watching as the row played out.

Remus looked at Severus, who was still sitting down. He was visibly shaking, and he saw that there was a small puddle of water on the table. He placed a hand on his new friend's shoulder and squeezed his shoulder reassuringly.

"So you _were_ defending the git. You _were_!" Sirius cried, the betrayal clear in his eyes.

"So what if I was?" Remus bit back, sending a fiery gaze at Sirius. "Not like any of _you_ do. I'm appalled. Just _appalled_." He looked around at the rest of the Order. "We are _supposed_ to be the Order of the Phoenix! We're _supposed_ to fight for what is _good_ in this world, not take to ignoring and _bullying_ our only spy! If Severus's position is compromised, we're as good as dead, and don't you even _dare_ try to say otherwise!"

The room remained deathly silent, so silent that you could hear a pin dropping. After a final glare at the Order, Remus tapped Severus's shoulder and whispered, "C'mon. Let's go."

Severus nodded and stood up. Then, they walked out of the room.

**XXXXX**

Severus was shocked.

He never knew that Remus Lupin would actually _shout_ at and _berate_ the rest of the Order on his behalf. Maybe he underestimated the wolf more than he thought. He really _did_ grow a backbone, didn't he?

As soon as they exited the dining room, Remus placed an arm around his shoulders.

"I'm sorry," Remus breathed out as they were walking down the hallway. "I'm so, _so_ sorry. What Sirius said was completely uncalled for. He isn't usually like this. Yes, he doesn't like you very much, but I didn't think he actually _loathed_ you."

Severus remained silent, still trying to hold in his tears but failing terribly. He felt filthy. So, so filthy.

The friends entered the sitting room and settled into the armchairs by the fire. Severus put his elbow on the arm of his chair and rested his head on his palm. Wandlessly, he closed the door.

"What Black said was true, you know," Severus spat bitterly as he wiped his tears. "I'm as filthy as he says I am. There's no need to deny it."

"What?" Remus asked, shocked. "No, you aren't!"

"Yes. I am. I told you last night, didn't I? I do favors for _him_. Simple. We should just go back. There's no use talking about it." As Severus stood up, Remus got up and forced him back into the armchair.

"How much sleep did you get last night?" Remus asked bluntly as he returned to his armchair.

"Zero," Severus replied, assuming his mask and building up his Occlumency shields. "I had a Death Eater meeting, and I got back at three in the morning. I spent two hours afterward trying to sick up the semen that the Dark Lord made me swallow. Then, of course, I had to oversee my classes during the day."

If Remus were holding anything, that object would've fallen right out of his hand. " _What_? _Why_ didn't you ask Albus to find someone to oversee your classes for you? _I_ would have gladly done it for you, too, if you only asked!"

As quickly as Severus's Occlumency shields went up, they crashed right back down. He slowly lifted his head and looked at Remus. "What?"

"You don't think I would have minded, did you?" Remus asked, sounding slightly incredulous. "You honestly don't think me coming to your office last night and offering my friendship was all an act?"

"No," Severus replied. "My...never mind. We should go back—"

"No!" Remus interrupted. "I'm not letting you go back there just so you can be further ignored and ridiculed! I won't stand for it!" Severus was shocked at the determination shining on Remus's face. This was a whole new side to the wolf that he had never seen before.

Severus smiled lightly and sighed. "You sound just like Lily."

"Good," Remus replied. "You know, Albus shouldn't make you do this! Let them find another spy, let someone else—"

"NO!" Severus bellowed, standing up. "I...I can't...Lily...forgive…."

Remus stood up and walked over to Severus. He, like last night, placed a hand on his friend's shoulder. "What about Lily?"

"I...I have to protect her son...swore to it...atone my mistakes…." Severus wasn't sure why he was sounding so incoherent. Why couldn't he make full sentences? He shook his head as though his incoherence could be shaken out of his system. He took a deep breath.

"I don't care if I have to...to drink _semen_ if it means that Potter will be protected. I deserve it. Wholeheartedly." Oddly enough, Severus believed in his words fully.

Suddenly, before he knew it, he felt a hand come into hard contact with his cheek. "Shut up, Severus! Just shut _up_!" Remus gritted out as Severus was nursing his cheek with his hand. "Albus shouldn't make you endure this filthy torture! _You_ shouldn't endure this filthy torture! Swallowing another man's _semen_ is _not_ how you atone for your mistakes! It just isn't! There are other ways!"

"We don't _have_ any other spies," Severus stated flatly. "If I stop being a spy, we're as good as dead, like you said earlier. I have to keep on doing this, or else our whole cause will be for naught. Don't you understand?"

Remus crossed his arms. "No. I _don't_ understand how a person as intelligent and as brilliant as yourself should be degraded like this. I don't. This isn't right."

"But the war—" Severus retorted.

"Enough about the damn _war_!" Remus cut in. He gripped Severus's shoulders tightly, his hazel-green eyes staring into Severus's onyx ones. "The only way for them to understand is if they know what you go through. Show them your scars, Severus, and they'll leave you alone! Show them what Bellatrix carved on your arm!"

"Why? They don't need to know!"

"Yes they _do_! They need to know to not take your efforts for granted!" Remus grabbed Severus's wrist and started to drag him out when Severus stopped him.

"Severus! Why won't you just let them see? There's nothing wrong with them being put in their place!"

"Because it will do nothing to help anybody! I don't _want_ their pity! Don't you understand?" Severus realized that he had repeated himself, but he didn't care.

"Why don't you want anyone to know?" Remus asked quietly.

"Because," Severus said quietly with conviction, "unlike you, _they_ will only offer empty words. Soon, after a period of time, everyone will revert back to their old ways; they will then resume ignoring me and distrusting me."

Remus stepped back. "And what makes _me_ so different, Severus?" he asked, gesturing to himself.

Severus wondered if he should say what he really wished to say. He wanted to let the werewolf know that his actions really helped him. With that in mind, he ran a hand through his hair and spoke even more softly.

"You, Remus, are different, because you are the only one who _means_ those words of comfort. Last night, you let me shed tears on your shoulder and made me feel better about myself, something no one except Lily has been able to do. Everyone else goes out of their way to avoid me when they can. No one else sees me as a person. They see me as a tool to gain information on how to defeat the Dark Lord. It doesn't matter _how_ I get it. As long as I get it, they pay no mind. Only when I fail to get information do they pay attention, and then the accusations start. It's a cycle that won't end until this bloody war is over. And yes, I meant the pun." Severus smirked.

Remus smiled warmly. "I think that's about the nicest thing you've ever said to me."

"Well—" Severus started, but then he hesitated a little bit. Should he really let his guard down completely? After a few seconds of contemplating, he decided to continue.

"Well, this is the first time since 1976 that someone genuinely cares about me." After that, he hesitated again, but he ended up pulling Remus into a tight embrace.

"Thank you, Remus," Severus whispered.

"Any...any time, Severus," Remus whispered back.

The way they hugged like two comrades fighting a battle together, they could have been friends for years.


End file.
